Tag Archives: love

The Constant Companion

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July 1, 2011

When I first met him, I didn’t know at first what he was. He was the size of a rat running across the apartment quad, tiny tongue flapping out the side of his open mouth. When I got up close, I could see he was a little puppy… a happy dog.

Inside our apartment, I used to get down on my hands and knees and dangle my long hair over him; he played and nipped at it.

He was so proud to climb up the stairs; he just didn’t know how to get down. Even when he learned how, he would always be timid and cautious doing so.

When I fell asleep on the couch he would curl up on my neck just behind my ear and stay there until I got up. In bed, he slept right up against my side… a hot little coal.

Over 17 years, our lives were indelibly stained by his presence. He greeted us when we came home and he helped us garden and with chores around the house. He was our companion on the couch when we watched TV and he was our companion when we slept.

He was our constant companion.

Winter was coming. His aging and arthritic body wasn’t going to make it through. As our family vet administered what was to be his final sleep, I could see he was a little puppy… a happy dog.

The Discipline of Love

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September 11, 2010

“You learn to love the rope, that’s how you beat them. That’s how you beat people who torture you, you learn to love them and that way they don’t know you’re beating them.” ~ Major Charles Rane, Rolling Thunder (1977)

Every day we have a choice. We have a choice in how we act; we have a choice in how we think and feel; we have a choice in how we respond to others and the events of the world. It is easy succumb to the chaos of fear because it whittles down your choices and you have a target for your uncertainty in life. It immediately solves the ‘why’.

It is much harder to form the discipline to love. Love forces you to think about your choices. You begin to own them and they become the ‘why’. And that is the reward.

The Sproggles & Flower Show

Sproggles & Flower

September 20, 2009

Shandell and I don’t have kids. We’ve always had cats. There have been 13 cats in our lives together, and I suppose if you believe a black one crossing your path portends doom then you might attach some significance to that inconsequential factoid.

Our newest members are Sproggles and Flower. One of our favorite cats (and don’t give me the “don’t you love them all?” rap… of course we do, but you know damn well you have favorites), Bug, recently passed away from cancer. Bug was a certain type of glue: he held things together. He was the gentleman of our commune. We sometimes referred to him as “The Continental.” If you like Christopher Walken and SNL, then you know what I’m talking about.

So the kids needed some glue, and Monkey needed someone to keep up with him. So we found ourselves at the Humane Society in Sebastopol with a Flower on Shandell’s head and a Sproggles on my lap. I always wanted a Sproggles and Flower insisted we take her home.

It never ceases to amaze me how each cat’s personality is unique and special. Anyone who boils down groups of people into personality categories is a complete and utter moron (wow, I think I just said something ironic). Every person is a character, and so is every cat. It just sucks that every cat’s lifetime is so God damn short.

The Humane Society gets so many cats in that the spay and neuter operations are like an assembly line. Imagine getting your junk removed at six weeks old. When we took them home, Flower ended up getting an infection in her spay wound. She had to go back for a second round of surgery. Then we had to isolate her in a room with a cone on her head so she wouldn’t worry her stitches.

Man, she was pissed.

Hell hath no fury like a baby girl kitten scorned. Many a night I slept on the floor with her. When you are a six week old baby kitty, all you want to do is play. I constantly worried how this trauma would play out later in her life.

Sproggles didn’t have it easy either. Flower got better, but Sproggles picked up a respiratory infection. Great green gobs of greasy grimy Sproggles snot. Poor little guy got rope-a-doped from sneezing so much. He went through two rounds of 10-day treatments just to knock it back.

Like I said, baby kitties just want to play. When they have issues so early on… I get scared. We don’t pick our cats like we would a piece of fruit. Our pets have always picked us. And like any soul born into this world, they just want to be safe and loved.

All of this feeling, fear, and love tears at a person in a way that can be hard to bear at times. But nothing worth anything in this life comes easy. Watching these little goons romp around and rip up the house is worth every gut wrenching moment of worry.

I suppose it is the same for people with real kids. But not having any, I guess I wouldn’t know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwRw7dSp8N0

The Call

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November 30, 2008

He glared down upon the sprawling lights of the city from the 34th floor of his high-rise apartment. She left by plane to California six hours ago. There was only one chance left. She said she would call only once by telephone: three rings; then one. His stony countenance betrayed no hint of the anxiety masticating his stomach.

The phone rang.

One.

Two.

Three.

It stopped. One more ring and it was all over. Suddenly, the lights of the city perished before his eyes. Would he ever know? A single tear traced down his cheek as he closed his eyes.

Wind In The Mustard

Shandell alt

October 12, 2008

October is my favorite month. The shadows get longer but not too long. The days get shorter but not too short. The air gets cooler but not too cool. Summer and Winter balance on the fulcrum that is October. And then there is the wind.

Wind has a special meaning for me. It is scented and sweet. It is free and wild. The wind reminds me of a girl, one who plays with your heart but always returns to remind you that you are alive, just not so large in this world. It is where my soul wants to be. When I die, I want to be taken by the wind.

To honor my love for October, I am posting 3 poems of mine over the next 3 weeks, starting with this one. The 1st is haunting, the 2nd amusing, and the 3rd scary. This first one reminds me of October wind and the passion that can be found therein.

Wind in the Mustard

Wind aboard the bushy trees
On a morning warmly scented sweet
Hope to hear your wakening
Nestled in the breeze

Wind in the mustard field
Such a luscious lonely sight
Hope you make it back to me
On any other night

Wind upon the shutter boards
Clacking against the weathered panes
Hope to see you walking down
That darkly graveled lane

Wind sleeks through a carnival
Brilliant baubles besiege the eye
Strapped upon the carousel
Horses prance and bray
A part of this is eternal
Surely I should see you there
Where the shadows set your eyes aglow
Amidst the straw and steel and flapping burlap
Where the wind engulfs your skin
Your hair and dress play sweet distress
And your touch still feeds the flame
I’m glad you came

Wind in the willows
Hauntingly
Calls your name

Regrets

Threshold

September 28, 2008

Phil Cooper to Bob Walker: “I’m saying you’ve already done plenty of things to regret, you just don’t know what they are. It’s when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you’ve done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can’t, because it’s too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don’t matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face.” — The Big Kahuna (1999)

I might ruffle some feathers with this next gem, but here goes. There is a saying that has floated around for I don’t know how long, but I absolutely despise it. I don’t know who invented this quip… this kernel of pseudo-wisdom… and I don’t care. Because every time I hear it my ears bleed. What is this hemorrhage inducing verbal ice pick?

“NO REGRETS!”

Garbage. I don’t want to know the person who has no regrets. I don’t want to know the person who is unapologetic with their life. I don’t want to know the person who has never disliked something they’ve done or said; that refuses to recognize or is unaware that their words or actions have negatively influenced a person or situation. And likewise, I do not want to know the person who has never wished they had acted or spoken when they had the opportunity, but did not; when there was an opportunity to positively change the outcome of some situation and they didn’t take it.

A person with no regrets is either living their life on the surface of their soul or is a sociopath. A person with no regrets has no substance, no character. You cannot get close to a person who has no regrets because that person cannot get close to you.

I want to know the person who feels they have wronged someone and wishes they hadn’t. I want to know the person who regrets not trying to stop that person who was hurting another. I want to know the person who has made mistakes with their life and knows it… and regrets. That is the person with more than a story… that is a person who’s life is a novel worth reading.

The person who regrets knows what respect is… knows that there are boundaries in life: boundaries of possession, position, relationship, and trust. The person who regrets knows that they must give in order to get. They understand the cost in life because peoples’ actions and feelings have value… have meaning. They know that breaking those boundaries requires compensation and amends because they have broken those boundaries before and have felt remorse for doing so.

The person who regrets is the person who knows what love is… what honor is… because you have never loved if you have never regretted anything. Love is that precious; that sacred. It is the investment of one soul into another. And regret is the honor of that bond. When you breach that investment and do not regret it, then you never loved in the first place.

No regrets. That is the worst statement I have ever heard.

Monkey’s Day!

Monkey 18

September 21, 2008

It’s starting to get light outside so that means it’s time to get up!

I look out the bedroom window…

I run down the hall…

I look out the patio door…

I run back down the hall…

I play with Max…

I play with the wall…

I play with my toys…

I jump up on the sink…

I run down the hall…

I drink some water…

I look at the fish…

I run down the hall…

I jump on the bed…

I check on the turtles…

I run down… oh, wait… I go potty!

I run to the kitchen…

I jump on the table…

I chew on a wooden spoon…

I drink from the cup on the table…

I run back down the hall…

I look in my fort…

I jump on the bed…

I scare the dog…

I just run!

I run some more!

They are now all awake!

I go back to bed…

What an hour!

Every morning; every day… Monkey, our cat, loves to play. Here he comes now with a toy in his mouth and his little baby kitty cry. He is a precious goon! Thanks to my wife, Shandell, for her contribution to this blog post. Heck, she pretty much wrote the whole thing! Have a great week all…

Death and Dying

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August 24, 2008

A year ago yesterday my wife’s mother died. We saw her for the last time 2 hours before she passed into the great beyond. She did not pass quietly.

Angie’s motto in life was “do what you want because life is short.” She didn’t eat well, she smoked, and she never went to the doctor. That was what she wanted to do in life. It led to uncontrolled diabetes, heart failure, and death at 59.

She balked at her condition, even hid it. When she finally went to the hospital, her legs were black, cold, and rotting, weeping constantly with fluid loss. The doctors concluded her heart was less than 30% effective. She didn’t have much time… a few months.

She spent the last 5 months of her life in the hospital vigorously denying that anything was seriously wrong with her. She was convinced that she would get over it. But it wasn’t that positive “help me fight this thing” attitude. It was that delusional “what are you talking about? I’m fine” that made being around her rather difficult. She wouldn’t wrap things up with her family or provide closure. Every day was just another day watching TV, reading, and waiting to go home.

After the first few visits I couldn’t visit anymore. It was that disturbing to me. For months, I simply drove Shandell to the hospital while she visited and I stayed in the car. I judged Angie in her choices and in her death. And I judged my own self; I judged my weakness.

A year later now, Shandell and I are still bobbing on the ripples of that time. We miss the care-free Angie, not the careless one. Despite how it ended, we loved her. She was a big part of our holidays and our lives.

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know if the motto of her life is good or bad. Some will say “let that be a lesson to you; you reap what you sow.” Others will say “she was right: enjoy life in whatever way you want because you can die at any time.”

I do know one thing. I’m not judging anymore.